A regular viewer of Al Jazz, BBC Global, ABC24, SBSnews will have seen ubiquitous coverage of those “brave” men in white helmets pulling survivors from bombing-induced rubble in Aleppo. My antenna picked up a faecal signal and I said earnestly and quietly to myself “Hmm”, or something very close to that. Determined to allay my suspicions that this was suspicious, I managed to plant a bug under the PM’s desk when I was last there for petit fours [ although there were actually three of us in attendance]. Here is the conversation I later recovered after attending No.10 for even pettier deux:
PM: Look at the polls Humphrey, we’re sunk. The plebians have rattled to our role in supporting Assad’s opposition as well as those Daesh-bag terrorists. That infernal attack on the Syrian Army was supposed to look like a mistake. Then there are all the civilian casualties. Well Sir Humphrey, how do we redeem our pristine image with dead kiddies on the news every night?
SH: Not to worry PM, they don’t vote now do they? But leave it with me, I’ll hand our image problem to some rather rum chaps at a nifty public relations firm.
PM: Surely not those idiots that handled our Brexit case?
SH: Good Lord no! They were behind the Irish Gay Marriage campaign.
Two Days Pass:
SH: All arranged PM. Our PR fellows are going to manufacture some heroes while, at the same time, make Vlad and Assad look bad. I say, rather a good bit of rhym….
PM: Yes, yes, poetic indeed. How did that work out when we tried to blame them for the bombing of aid lorries?
SH: Forget that PM. These fellows propose that we second a few hundred volunteers to make a display of rescuing survivors from the Russian bombings. Make them stand out for the world to see by issuing them with white helmets. Embed the best photo journalists. I’ll have a little talk to the BBC Chief about his tenure.
PM: But surely the locals are doing that already? And how do you organize volunteers out of that rabble of camel fu… ah, drivers? Organized as Italian parliament those people.
SH: Money PM. And none of our business if they’re filmed rehearsing the extraction of a pregnant mother buried under concrete for a week, what?
PM: But wouldn’t she die without water after so long? I mean….
SH: A hypothetical PM. We’ll make it two days just for you. And the White Helmets could deliver her baby afterward. What a scene! Pups. We could have some puppies…..
PM: What Humphrey! Ridiculous. The woman delivering pups. Nobody will fall for that.
SH: No, no I meant…. Oh, it doesn’t matter.
PM: You know, it just might work Humphrey old boy. That will be the second brilliant idea I’ve had this week. One thing though Humphrey – there won’t be any terrorists among them I hope.
SH: Pay no mind to that PM. Even if one or two slipped under our guard, those chaps all look the same; the public will never be attentive enough to match a beheader’s picture to the same man in a white helmet. Never happen, PM.